- Set a positive, cooperative tone. Approach the situation with the attitude that you two are going to figure out how to resolve the issue together. If you begin the conversation with loud or angry words, the child will immediately shut down and you will get nowhere. You can only influence your child if they will talk to you, so be careful with your words and your demeanor.
- Be Respectful. Speak to your child with the same respect you show when talking to your best friend.
- Only talk when you are both calm. If you need to take a couple hours or even a couple days to calm down & get your thoughts together & your emotions under control, do it.
- Set aside a time to talk to the child & tell them when it will be. This gives the child time to prepare and keeps them from feeling ambushed or defensive. It also illustrates the seriousness of the situation.
- Talk in a quiet place free from distractions & interruptions ( no TV, cell phones or other people).
- Stay calm. If you loose control, your child will surely follow. If your child starts to get upset, don’t go there with them. If things get too heated, take a break. It may be a good idea for both of you to take some time to process what’s been said so far, and talk again in a day or two. Sometimes reaching an agreement is a process.
Below are some suggestions for opening lines that set the right tone for productive conversations:
- I’m concerned about you. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but when you are ready to talk, I’m here for you.
- Have you given any thought to where that kind of behavior ( or attitude) might lead you? My fear is…….
- I’m concerned because I see you making the same mistakes I made, and I want better for you than that.
- What you did ( or what just happened) is not like you. I know you know better. Help me understand what happened.
- What I’m trying to communicate to you is…………
- I care about you and don’t like to see you upset.
- You don’t seem like yourself, what’s going on with you?
- Tell me how I can help you.
